when living alone...how can you tell?

Elder Holland gave the most amazing talk today on depression. What a beautiful way to talk about such a taboo subject. I lived with a spouse with deep depression for many, many years. His depression eventually led to alcoholism, which added another dimension to every day life. This depression went on for the entire 20 years that I knew him and was part of his life prior to that. He tried medication for about a year and then refused to take it again. He never sought counseling. And, at one point in our marriage, I realized that I was drifting to a pretty deep depression myself. I took some massive steps to pull myself out of it so that I could raise happy, healthy children but it cost me my marriage. I should have sought counseling myself and didn't. I did get help with medication until I knew I was better. But ultimately the choices I made at that point in my life eventually led to a divorce. I am not saying it is all my fault. I'm not saying it is all his fault. There are many instances of bad choices on both sides. 

We have not even been divorced an entire year. Signatures were added in Nov 2012. And since then, I have gone through yet another bout of depression. I've wondered time and time again if there was something I could have/should have done differently. The "should I"'s are endless. And today's talk made me question some of those decisions again. I am not sure I will ever get to the point where I don't feel guilty about some of what happened. I hope so. 

In the past year, I've struggled to get my depression under control naturally. In May, I really felt like I was coming out of it. I felt like the fog had lifted and I was able to participate in life again. And then the last few months happened. I know depression is a cycle and I'm in a trough again. I'm constantly tired. In fact, even when I have had 8 full hours of sleep, people are constantly commenting on how tired I look. I have to push myself through every day to get anything done. Some days are great and I get tons done but most often I just sit around the house and call it good that I ate that day. I loved how Elder Holland said the following: 

So true! However, when do you know that slowing down is really resting, replenishing, and refilling and not just dipping into another depression? I'm finding it especially hard to keep moving now that I am living alone. I don't have someone asking me to go do things with them, asking what there is to eat, asking how I am doing. I couldn't tell you right now if I am depressed or just fatigued. And, that is my profound thought for the day. :) 

This does go back to my October Challenge, to live each day on purpose. If I pick a purpose for that day, I will know I am living and not just surviving. The problem is that right now, every purpose I can think of revolves around getting something done. Maybe one day, my purpose should be to sleep as much as possible. Or, define what replenishes me (hard introspective conversations with self) and set some goals to replenish. Or, just simply enjoy the sunshine while it is here because winter is not far away. 

Replace fatigue with focus. Adding that to my bucket list.